Creep Like ‘Em

“Would the rules change up, or would they still apply?” Watch Ciara’s “Like a Boy” video.

What if she acted like a guy? That is, “had a thing on the side,” “made you cry,” “played you like a toy”–expected behavior for men, as we’ve seen. This brings us back to the equal-opportunity-exploitation, hardly to be desired, except, and implicit in this case, for the purposes of revenge. Ciara looks hot in this video, tattoos, muscles, baggy pants, but it’s of course it’s not about simply co-opting the male role. I think the best part of this song is the dig at stereotypes of female hysteria: “Can’t be get’n mad! What you mad? Can’t handle that!” That line validates all those times her yelling and crying got dismissed as overreaction, waterworks, feminine frenzy, etc. Hurts, doesn’t it? 

Next! Multiple Choice on MTV

In the latest crop of MTV dating shows, NEXT is a fabulously trashy late-afternoon hit, involving one “dater,” five contestants, and a bus. The “dater” goes on several dates, while the other contestants hang out together on the bus. The “dater” can “NEXT” a contestant at any point, and each contestant gets a dollar for every minute he or she manages to stick it out. If the “dater” likes someone well enough to propose a second date, it’s now upto the contestant whether to accept the offer or just take the cash. 

Of course, like all dating and most reality shows, what happens in each episode is orchestrated by the producers, and all the painful puns and “quips” are obviously scripted. But I remember watching NEXT when it first came on the air, and I actually think the show has evolved into something different from the original intent. The dater is the one who’s supposed to be able to act out his or her fantasies, making the contestants do ridiculous things, like strip down to speedos or ride around on camels. But actually the dating part of the show is never as interesting as the other aspects: the camaraderie between contestants on the bus, the malicious delight of rejecting someone, and the opportunity to be as shallow as you can be. NEXT doesn’t even pretend to be about setting successful couples up; the dating show has become an art and end in itself. A cash prize and a date are now interchangeable.

Lessons from Sex and the City: Hoping Against Soulmates

I turn on Sex and the City and it’s the first episode of the fourth season, “The Agony and the ‘Ex’-tasy,” in which they confront that classic question: do you believe in soulmates? I can’t seem to stop talking about The One, and it’s not the most encouraging topic, as this episode makes clear. Carrie gets a mailing from a dating service full of warnings about letting her soulmate “slip away.” Miranda declares that “soulmates only exist in the hallmark aisle in Duane Reed Drugs,” but it turns out that the notion is not so easy to shake off.

Miranda’s main problem with the idea of soulmates is that it makes you feel an essential dissatisfaction with yourself and your life as it is. You constantly have to be looking for that magical solution, that person whom you may well never find. Charlotte wants to believe “that there’s that one perfect person out there to complete you,” but Miranda points out the risks of this: “And, what? If you don’t find him–you’re incomplete? It’s so dangerous!” “You’re still looking outside yourself and saying that you’re not enough,” she says, in a very empowered, accept-yourself kind of moment.

But Charlotte’s rebuttal is disconcertingly resonant: “Are you enough?”

The Wedding That Wasn’t: Dysfunctional Women on Grey’s Anatomy

The problem of work vs. love and family comes up again and again on Grey’s Anatomy. Richard has learned to regret neglecting his family for his job (but was it about his job? or was it just that he cheated on his wife?). Derek worried that he messed up his interview for chief because he was thinking too much about Meredith. Ellis Grey was a bad mother because she was an excellent surgeon. Cristina and Burke, I thought, were going to work out, because they were both so obsessed with their jobs and it didn’t interfere with their relationship.

But then the whole wedding thing happened and Cristina was the first to acknowledge a double standard. Bailey sends her home to prepare for the wedding, and she says, “Burke’s getting married in twelve hours too, but he gets to scrub in!” She has to deal with the overbearing mothers and get her eyebrows ripped off. She comes back to the hospital to get just a moment in the operating room: “I am a surgeon, Dr. Bailey, but right now I feel like somebody else.” That somebody else was supposed to be a bride. We begin to appreciate Cristina for putting up with all this even though it’s contrary to her nature; Burke’s mother admits that she used to think Cristina was selfish until she proved her ability to be flexible “on what matters most to Burke.” Apparently what mattered most to him was that she stay home and try on jewelry instead of scrubbing in.

Saving Yourself for The One

If there is an exact opposite of having Sex Like Men, it’s saving yourself for The One. People might think this doesn’t happen much anymore–whether or not that’s the case, many adolescent girls, and probably some guys, grow up thinking they’ll wait to have sex until marriage. Not for religious reasons, necessarily, but for idealistic ones. Whenever I contemplate the idea of The One, I can’t help but think of the fabulously bad Marisa Tomei movie, Only You (1994): when she was a little girl, a Ouija board told her she would marry Robert Downey Jr., so she chases him through Europe to make this happen. Or something like that.

“Lesbians Can’t Just Casually Date”: Bravo’s Work Out

A recent episode of Bravo’s Work Out raised the issue of what happens when the smoulderingly hot Jackie Warner starts playing the field in front of her male staff. Jackie owns a luxury gym, “Sky Sport,” and manages a staff of mostly male trainers. She’s a pretty tough, high-powered person, and can obviously hold her own in most situations.

This season on Work Out, Jackie’s been fooling around with both Rebecca and Tiffany. Rebecca is a trainer at the gym, and neither she nor Tiffany is used to dating a woman. Jackie is pretty clear at this point that she wants to explore and enjoy herself, with very few strings attached. She also doesn’t feel like she has to share everything in her personal life with her friends or staff, especially because she’s not emotionally invested. “She’s not my girlfriend,” she says about Rebecca. “We’re just physically into each other.” Later she confides in her therapist: “I’m finding that best friends with benefits is really the way to go.”

The Rules of Sex Like Men

What does having sex like men involve? Moving freely from partner to partner, engaging in sexual activity without emotional attachment, not talking about your feelings (although you are allowed to talk about the technical aspects of the encounter, a la Samantha Jones), and foregoing shame, guilt, and the expectation that the other person is going to call you.

Last summer I tried to have ’sex like men’ with an ex. The next day he asked, “Do we need to talk about this?” “Eh. What’s to talk about?” I shrugged. It felt pretty damn cool as I said it, but the second he agreed I became worried and mopey. At the very least, I wanted him to want me to want to talk about it. Clearly I had failed at ’sex like men.’

Weak Women: Grey’s Anatomy and Ally McBeal

Grey’s Anatomy makes the news today in a critique of the weak, sexually manipulated female character. The link Alessandra Stanley draws between Grey’s and Ally McBeal is one I had noticed as well, or, rather, I see both Ellen Pompeo and Calista Flockhart (in Brothers & Sisters as well as other roles) playing up this neurotic, babbling version of *cuteness* that drives me crazy. Someone must have told them once that it’s adorable to act scattered and half-witted. It’s not. More importantly, why would it be? In theory, these characters might be described as strong, opinionated women because they express themselves with passion, but it’s a passion that sounds much more like hysteria. Pompeo and Flockhart, with their already bony bodies and wan faces, lose the ability to speak in coherent sentences when a man’s around. This weakness is cast as the basis of their charm.

Kate Walsh, who plays Addison on Grey’s Anatomy, seemed to have more substance to her, with her striking good looks and rich personality. But her character was eroded over time, and after being rejected by her crush she has a meltdown and drives to California in a red convertible, with hair flying in her face. Stanley was right to note the desperation of the three women set up as the stars of Addison’s future spin-off. But the show also looks like it might try to speak to the fairly common and understandably defeated feeling of people in their late thirties trying to move on after divorce. What I did take issue with, however, was the scene where these three women arrange themselves carefully in the lobby at 1:05pm exactly in order to ogle the surfer-boy receptionist as he walks topless through the office (fully enjoying these women’s gaze).

This indulgence of sexual fantasy and their objectification of a younger man seemed a little more embarrassing than it did pleasurable. They didn’t look empowered; they looked like three women with messy personal lives who must turn to a little shallow entertainment as a substitute for emotional and sexual satisfaction. These women don’t get to leer like men, not convincingly anyway.